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Course: Wireless Philosophy > Unit 9
Lesson 11: How can our friends help us build the habits of a happy life?How can our friends help us build the habits of a happy life?
In this wireless philosophy video, Tamar Gendler (Yale University) explains the importance of habits in sustaining a happy life, and discusses how the support of friends can help us build such habits and make us better people along the way.
View our happiness learning module and other videos in this series here:
https://www.wi-phi.com/modules/happy/. Created by Gaurav Vazirani.
Want to join the conversation?
- How would you feel if your parents didn't like your best friend? How are you going to handle that situation and whose relationship do you value the most?
I feel as though this is a great questions to ask. . .(2 votes)- Oh my parents don't like my best friend. Ive kinda just stop caring at this point. I don't mention her around them. I value my friendship more tbh(2 votes)
- How are your relationships with your family members different from your relationships with your friends?(2 votes)
- "Your blood family is the family you were born with, while your friends are the family you choose." -idk(2 votes)
- because friends could suggest good habits(1 vote)
Video transcript
[Music] Hi, I’m Dr. Tamar Gendler, Dean
of the Faculty of Arts and Sciences, and Professor of Philosophy, Psychology,
and Cognitive Science at Yale University. In this video, I’ll be
exploring how the support of our friends can
help us build the habits that sustain a happy life,
and make us better people along the way. Maya has learned a lot about happiness. It’s not primarily about feeling
good or getting what you want. The foundation of a happy life lies
in putting her reflective self in charge, and forming new habits to
bring the rest of her mind along. To get started, she’s
following Aristotle’s advice: You become a builder by building,
and a harpist by playing the harp. If you want to become something, act how you would if that
was what you already were. So she’s been practicing
gratitude exercises, engaging in mindfulness meditation, and trying to avoid unhealthy
social comparisons -- all habits psychologists have shown to
improve subjective measures of happiness. These techniques are helping her feel
calmer, more focused, and less agitated. But she has a hard time
making herself meditate. And she can’t help
feeling jealous when old acquaintances share their
achievements on social media. Reminding herself to be grateful
for what she has doesn’t always help. Sometimes it makes things worse. Sophie isn’t surprised to hear about this. Knowing that you ought to do
something, or even wanting to do it, doesn’t mean you will do it. Especially since, for every happiness
-increasing habit Maya wants to form, like avoiding unhealthy comparisons, there’s a happiness-decreasing
habit she has to change, like obsessively scrolling
through her social media feed. And just like physical health
is affected by the environment, getting your soul in order requires
paying attention to the world around you. We can influence the
reactions of the automatic, unconscious parts of ourselves by
changing our physical environment. If you hide the marshmallow from view, it becomes much easier to
resist the temptation to eat it. But the social world matters even more. Friends who are always
pressuring you to have ice cream can be even harder to resist
than the pint sitting in your freezer. Social relationships that
push us away from the habits we’re trying to form make it
much more difficult to change. On the other hand, relationships with
supportive people make change easier. You’re more likely to start exercising
if you commit to doing it with a friend. Joining a study group
will help you stay focused on the exam that you
are preparing to take. Maya thinks back to the meditation
group she tried for a few weeks. It definitely helped her meditate
more than she would have. Part of why other people
help us change habits is that knowing we’re being observed helps keep us accountable to
our own principles and goals. We want to be recognized as
people who uphold our commitment, and not as people who don’t. In fact, researchers have even
found that you can improve people’s adherence to their commitments
just by putting a mirror in the room. System 1 detects your eyes in the mirror, and sends out a signal
that you’re being observed. Even though you’re
not, tricking System 1 into thinking you are can make
you feel more accountable. But most important is real
support from people who have our best interests
in mind: family and friends. Psychologists have shown that strong social
relationships improve the immune system, and lower the risk of
depression and anxiety. They even have
measurable practical effects, like strengthening memory
among elderly people, extending life more than quitting smoking, and speeding recovery from surgery. Plus, friendship seems like
an essential part of happiness. As Aristotle said, no one would
choose to live without friends. Maya has always felt
happier around her friends. But now she is getting
a deeper understanding of why they are so
important to her happiness. It’s easier to build the
habits of a harmonious soul with the support of people
who want what’s best for you. It’s even easier if they have some wisdom
and experience achieving it themselves. On the other hand,
if you’re influenced by people who don’t have
your best interest in mind, or have counterproductive
ideas about how to be happy, you’ll be led away from happiness,
even if you feel good doing it. Bad influences can be a lot of fun. But the habits they
lead you to build are likely to undermine your
happiness in the long run. As the Buddha said, we
should “live among the wise”. Maya thinks about her friends. Most of them are a
lot of fun, and many of them would be willing
to help her out in a jam. But her best friends
care about her simply for who she is, and
want what’s best for her. Aristotle called these
“friendships of virtue”. He thought that they
could only really exist among people who genuinely
care about one another. If you’re selfish, you
can’t really be trusted to have someone else’s
best interests in mind. Good friendships, he
thought, rest on good character. That’s another reason to
choose your friends wisely. If your friends are people of good
character, when you start to act like them, you will be acting in ways that are good. And just like you become
a builder by building, you become a good
person by doing good things. It turns out there’s a connection between
happiness, friendship, and goodness. Good friends support
us in forming good habits, which helps lay the foundation
for long-term happiness. And at the same time,
letting ourselves be influenced by good friends also helps
us become better people. Maya smiles. She has a much deeper
understanding of what happiness is, and what it takes to achieve it. She understands now just how much
she doesn’t yet know about herself, or what a happy life
will look like for her. But with friends like Kathy and Sophie,
she is confident that she is on her way. How do your friends help make
you a happier, better person? [Music]