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Current time:0:00Total duration:14:34

Writing: Narrative — How-to example

Video transcript

so we have a writing and language passage here dong Kingman painter of cities and what's neat about this is as we go through it we'll have a chance to think about how we might edit this to make it maybe a little bit more grammatically correct or a little bit easier to read in 1950 in a 1954 documentary about renowned watercolor painter dawn Kingman shows the artist sitting on a stool on Mott Street in New York City's Chinatown a crowd of admiring spectators watches his Kingman squeezes dollops of paint from several tubes into a tin watercolor box from just a few primary colors King Kingman creates dozens of beautiful hues as he layers the translucent paint onto the paper on his easel so that sentence I just read that felt like a lot even you know when I was reading it it felt hard to put a ticket out all out in one breath and where I paused here at least when I was reading it it felt like that could be a place where instead of just it just being a common keep going that this is a good place to start a new sentence but let me just make sure that the two parts of this long sentence right now can stand as their own as sentences a crowd of admiring spectators watches as Kingman squeezes dollops of paint from several tubes into a tin watercolor box yeah that that's a sentence and then after that from just a few primary colors Kingman creates dozens of beautiful hues as he layers the translucent paint onto his easel yeah that's a sentence too so I for sure would put a period after box here and so when you see this one this means where this one with this gray box around it that means we're in question one and question one says do we want to rewrite how we this underlined part and if we do how would we do it so we go to this this is the question one right over here and I want to change it I want to put I want to put a period there to make this into this one big sentence into two cleaner sentences and out of these choices this is the only one that puts a period after the box so it makes it very clean just the way I said a period here and then start a new sentence from just a few primary colors this one over here it actually just removes the comma in some ways making those what I think should be two sentences even more run on this one they removed the comma back here but that doesn't help the situation I definitely don't want to just keep it as is so I feel very confident about B so let's keep going so I finished with ezel each stroke of the brush and dab of the sponge transforms thinly sketched outlines into buildings shop signs and street lamps the street scene Kingman begins composing in this short film is very much in keeping with the urban landscapes for which he is known best for which he is best known Kingman and when they have these numbers and brackets this is now they're just numbering the sentences some of these questions they might refer to these sentences in some way so the numbers in these gray boxes this is literally hey how would you rewrite this underlined portion and that's the purpose while this is there they're referencing the actual sentences so the first sentence is Kingman was keenly interested in landscape painting from an early age in Hong Kong where Kingman completed his schooling teachers at that time customarily assigned students a formal school name alright his interest was so keen in fact that he was named after it that felt a little awkward he is named after after what after his school well anyway I'll just keep reading the young boy who had been called dong moyu became dong Kingman the name Kingman was selected for its two parts King and man Cantonese for scenery and Composition so this is question 2 how would we rewrite this and they're saying that the name Kingman was selected for its two parts and then they give us a list of or they kind of give us clarification of those two parts they say the two parts are King and man so instead of a comma here I would I'd probably go with a colon hey I'm gonna enumerate I'm gonna enumerate the two parts I'm gonna say the two parts what were they they were king and man that's where a colon would make a lot of sense and so let's see if the choices hopefully have that as an option and out of all of these it looks like this one actually does it's these two parts King and man and then they put a comma here because then we clarify the king and man these are Cantonese for scenery and Composition so this one feels very good feel very confident about this one this one is even worse it kind of gets rid of that comma this one gets a semicolon right over here two parts king and man semicolons kind of too strong of a it's it's kind of making this a completely you know we're kind of starting a another somewhat somewhat independent clause over here so I I don't I don't I don't like that I definitely like putting the colon here and then a comma here just could because Cantonese for scenery and Composition is giving us more as giving us more clarity that where the King and the man is coming from so I definitely like but what really convinces me is putting the colon here because it enumerates the two parts king and man as Kingman developed as a painter his works were often compared to paintings by Chinese landscape artists dating back to the Common Era 960 a time when a strong tradition of landscape painting emerged in Chinese art actually I you know for question three this seems reasonable development as Kingman develop always I'm always suspicious of myself when I do think that something's okay but let me just double check as Kingman developed as a painter his works were often compared to paintings but his works were often compared to paintings by Chinese landscape artists yeah that's right his works would be compared to paintings because his works are paintings a time way that the landscape art is dating back to seee 960 a time when a strong tradition of landscape painting emerged in Chinese art so for question three I actually think I'm actually feeling no change but let's look at the other choices as Kingman developed as a painter his works were often compared to Chinese landscape artists no you wouldn't compare his works which are paintings to other artists you might compare Kingman to another artist but his works wouldn't be compared to other artists you're comparing an object of painting to two people here so this doesn't make sense the next second one his works were often compared to painters of Chinese landscapes well no that's that's the same thing you're comparing the works to people you might compare Kingman to painters but this is comparing his works were often compared to so it makes sense that his works would be compared to paintings not to landscape artists or painters of Chinese landscapes or or compared to artists and it looks like there's a little typo right over here this D is probably they stuck they said hey this this is D I'm using a prototype version of the interface so there's probably gonna be a little few bugs and the stuff that I'm making the videos on but this you would want to compare to the artists either so let's keep going so I feel I feel good I feel good about the no change alright let's keep going so so we are right we are right here Kingman however vacated from that tradition in a number of ways most notably and that he chose to focus not on natural landscapes such as mountains and rivers but on cities so vacated seems like a bit of an awkward word here I mean to vacate means to leave so I guess you know he I kind of get what they're saying but it feels like more of like you know left from that tradition or departed from that tradition I might make more sense but let's see what the choices are so no change would be vacated then you'd have evacuated from that tradition that kind of at least in my brain imagines there's like an emergency where he has to leave the tradition the parted feels right he departed from that tradition he he moved away from it in a number of ways retired from that tradition yeah and that also doesn't feel quite right so I would go with a departed retired from that tradition in a number of ways no III think it's much more of like this you know I imagine kind of splitting off from that tradition I don't even split the Kingman however split from that tradition in a number of ways would also be an interesting way to say it but they didn't have that choice over here so let's let's keep let's keep reading so but in most all the waiting that he chose to focus not on natural landscapes such as mountains and rivers but on cities and so now we have just question five year I guess it's probably referring to what we just read so let's see what question five is for the sake of cohesion of this paragraph so that's the paragraph we just read this one right over here for the sake of cohesion of this paragraph sentence three should be placed so sentence three is this one right over here that sentence three right over here sentence there and that's actually the one that tripped me up a little bit because I said his interest was so keen in fact he was named after it and the sentence before they're talking about students assigned to formal school names where was he named after his school in some way so a is leaving it where it is now B is before sentence one so that means that this would be the first sentence of the paragraph his interest was so keen in fact that he was named after it Kingman was keenly interested in landscape painting but from an early age no that doesn't you know this this this sentence the sentence is referring to something so something else has to be written before that this is this would not be something that you would want to start the paragraph with see after sentence one so let's see how that would read Kingman was keenly interested in landscape painting from an early age his interest was so keen in fact that he was named after it in Hong Kong where Kingman completed his schooling teachers at that time customarily assigned students a formal school name the young boy who had been called dong moyu became dong Kingman the name Kingman was selected for its two parts King and man Cantonese for scenery and Composition yeah I actually like this after sentence one because now actually that thing that tripped me up when I said hey then he was named after it he was named after what but now it's clear he was named after landscape painting Kingman was keenly interested in landscape painting from an early age his interest was so keen in fact that he was named after it he was named after landscape painting so it makes sense that sentence three comes right after sentence one it's referring to what happened in sentence one and we get it clarifies later on that he was named literally after landscape painting King and man Cantonese for scenery and Composition landscape painting now let's keep going so this has question 605 this I think it's another bug out of the early prototype interface that I'm using but the important thing is we do the questions so it says which choice most and so question six is referring I guess to this entire paragraph which choice most effectively establishes the main topic of the paragraph so let's read this paragraph his fine brushwork conveys details street-level activity a peanut vendor pushing his cart on the sidewalk a pigeon pecking for crumbs around a fire hydrant an old man tending to a baby outside a doorway his broader brushstrokes and sponge painted shapes created majestic city skylines with skyscrapers towering in the background bridges connecting neighborhoods on either side of a river and enormous ships maneuvering out of a busy harbour - art critics and fans alike these city scenes represented the innovative spirit of 20th century urban modernism alright so talk about all the different ways that he's able to paint and really convey what's happening in in a city so which choice most effectively establishes the main topic of the paragraph Kingman is considered a pioneer of the California school style school now they're not even talking about the California style I don't have to even finish reading that first one all those cities were his main subject Kingman did occasionally paint natural landscapes no this is really just talking about all the different ways that he really captured a city they didn't say that he you know also occasionally did not sure this is really about how he captured cities in his urban landscapes Kingman captures the vibrancy of crowded cities yeah I think that's pretty much it that's what this is this this paragraph is about in 1929 Kingman moved to Oakland California where he attended the Fox Art School no that is not what this paragraph right here is about and so let's go do question seven out of five so once again I think this is should say seven out of seven but I think we get the point listen let's answer this question during his career Kingman exhibited his work internationally he garnered much acclaim in 1936 a critic described so that just felt a little bit robotic when I heard that Kingman exhibited his work internationally period he garnered much acclaim in 1936 a critic described one of Kingman solo exhibits this 20 of the freshest most I'm just reading this just to finish the passion is if yeah you're running out of time on the SAT I would probably just just question and move on but 20 of the freshest most satisfying watercolors that are ever been seen hereabouts in many a day since Kingman's death in 2000 museums across the United States and in China have continued to ensure that his now iconic landscapes remain available for public to enjoy but let's go back to question 7 so let's see the choices so one is internationally and Kingman also garnered so Kingman exhibited his work internationally and Kingman also garnered much acclaim now that just seems there's a little wordy you're saying Kingman twice very close together you don't need to so I wouldn't do that one Kingman exhibited his work internationally from exhibiting he garnered much exclaim so once again this is this is kind of you're using exhibited up here and you're using it again feels redundant Kingman exhibited his work internationally but garnered much acclaim well but makes it seem like garnering acclaim is somehow something that you wouldn't expect for someone who's exhibiting internationally but they kind of go together you would be garnering acclaim should go along with it it shouldn't be a but there it shouldn't be kind of contradicting it in some way or we're going in another direction so this would be Kingman exhibited his work internationally garnering much acclaim yeah just nice and simple exhibiting his work internationally and in doing so he's garnering much acclaim makes all that make feels nice and clean and gets to the point without being redundant or in some ways you know contradicting you know in a weird way so yeah feel good about these these answers