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Writing: Narrative — How-to example

Video transcript
- [Voiceover] We have a writing and language passage here. "Dong Kingman: Painter of Cities." And what's neat about this is as we go through it, we'll have a chance to think about how we might edit this to make it maybe a little more grammatically correct or a little bit easier to read. "A 1954 documentary about renowned watercolor painter "Dong Kingman shows the artist sitting "on a stool on Mott Street in New York City's Chinatown. "A crowd of admiring spectators watches as Kingman squeezes "dollops of paint from several tubes into a tin watercolor "box, from just a few primary colors, Kingman "creates dozens of beautiful hues as he layers "the translucent paint onto the paper on his easel." So that sentence I just read, that felt like a lot. Even when I was reading it it felt hard to put it, to get it all out in one breath. Where I paused here, at least when I was reading it it felt like that could be a place where instead of this being a comma and keep going. This is a good place to start a new sentence. Let me just make sure that the two parts of this long sentence right now can stand as their own as sentences. "A crowd of admiring spectators watches as Kingman "squeezes dollops of paint from several tubes "into a tin watercolor box." Yeah, that's a sentence. Then after that "From just a few primary colors, "Kingman creates dozens of beautiful hues as he layers "the translucent paint onto his easel." Yeah. That's a sentence too. So I for sure, would put a period after box here. And so when you see this one, this means where, this one with this gray box around it, that means we're in question one. Question one says do we want to rewrite this underlined part, and if we do, how would we do it? So we go to this question one right over here, and I wanna change it. I wanna put a period there to make this one big sentence into two cleaner sentences, and out of these choices, this is the only one that puts the period after the box. It makes it very clean, just the way I said. The period here and then start a new sentence. "From just a few primary colors." This one over here actually just removes the comma, in some ways making those, what I think should be two sentences even more run-on. This one, they remove the comma back here, but that doesn't help the situation. I definitely don't wanna keep it as is, so I feel very confident about B. So let's keep going. So I finished with easel. "Each stroke of the brush and dab of the sponge "transforms thinly sketched outlines "into buildings, shop signs, and streetlamps. "The street scene Kingman begins composing "in this short film is very much in keeping "with the urban landscapes for which he is known best." Or "for which he is best known. "Kingman," and when they have these numbers in brackets, this is now, they're just numbering the sentences. Some of these questions, they might refer to these sentences in some way. So the numbers in these gray boxes, this is literally, "Hey, how would you rewrite this "underlined portion?" and that's the question number. While this is, they're referencing the actual sentences, so the first sentence says, "Kingman was keenly "interested in landscape painting from an early age. "In Hong Kong, where Kingman completed his schooling, "teachers at that time customarily assigned students "a formal 'school name.'" Alright. "His interest was so keen, in fact, "that he was named after it." That felt a little awkward. He was named after what? After his school? Well anyway, I'll just keep reading. "The young boy who had been called "Dong Moy Shu became Dong Kingman. "The name Kingman was selected for its two parts, "'king' and 'man'; Cantonese "for 'scenery' and 'composition.'" So this is question two, how would we rewrite this? And they're saying that the name Kingman was selected for its two parts, and then they give us a list of, or they kind of give us clarification of those two parts. They say the two parts are king and man, so instead of a comma here, I would I'd probably go with a colon. Hey I'm gonna enumerate the two parts. I'm gonna say the two parts, what were they? They were king and man. That's where a colon would make a lot of sense. And so let's see if the choices hopefully have that as an option, and out of all of these, it looks like this one actually does. It sees two "parts: 'king' and 'man,'" and then they put a comma here because then we clarify that king and man, these are "Cantonese for 'scenery' and 'composition.'" So this one feels very good. I feel very confident about this one. This one is even worse. It kind of gets rid of that comma. This one gets a semi-colon right over here, "two parts; 'king' and 'man.'" Semi-colon's kind of too strong of a, it's kind of making this a completely, you know, we're kind of starting another somewhat independent clause over here, so I don't like that. I definitely like putting the colon here and then a comma here because "Cantonese for "'scenery' and 'composition,'" is giving us more clarity where the king and the man is coming from. So I definitely like, but what really convinces me is putting the colon here because it enumerates the two parts, king and man. "As Kingman developed as a painter, his works "were often compared to paintings "by Chinese landscape artists dating back "to the Common Era 960, a time "when a strong tradition of landscape painting "emerged in Chinese art." Actually, I, for question three, this seems reasonable. "As Kingman developed," I'm always suspicious of myself when I do think that something's okay, but let me just double check. "As Kingman developed as a painter, his works "were often compared to paintings by. "His works were often compared to paintings "by Chinese landscape artists." Yeah that's right. His works would be compared to paintings because his works are paintings. "Landscape artists dating back to CE 960, a time when "a strong tradition of landscape painting "emerged in Chinese art." So for question three, I actually think, I'm actually feeling no change, but let's look at the other choices. "As Kingman developed as a painter, "his works were often compared to "Chinese landscape artists." No, you wouldn't compare his works, which were paintings to other artists. You might compare Kingman to another artist, but his works wouldn't be compared to other artists. You're comparing an object, a painting, to people here, so this doesn't make sense. The next second one, "His works were often compared "to painters of Chinese landscapes." Well, no that's the same thing. You're comparing the works to people. You might compare Kingman to painters, but this is comparing "his works "were often compared to," so it makes sense that his works would be compared to paintings not to "landscape artists" or "painters of Chinese landscapes" or compared to "artists," and it looks like there's a little typo right over here. This D is probably, they said "Hey this is D." I'm using a prototype version of the interface, so there's probably gonna be a little, few bugs on the stuff that I'm making the videos on, but this, you wouldn't want to compare to the artists either. So let's keep going, so I feel good about the no change. Alright, let's keep going. So we are right, we are right here. "Kingman, however, vacated from that tradition "in a number of ways, most notably "in that he chose to focus not on natural landscapes, "such as mountains and rivers, but on cities." So vacated seems like a bit of an awkward word here. I mean, to vacate means to leave, so I guess, you know, I kind of get what they're saying, but it feels more like left from that tradition or departed from that tradition might make more sense. But let's see what the choices are, so no change would be vacated, then you have evacuated from that tradition. That kind of, at least in my brain, I imagine like an emergency where he has to leave the tradition. Departed feels right. He departed from that tradition. He moved away from it in a number of ways. Retired from that tradition? Yeah, that also doesn't feel quite right. So I would go with departed. "Retired from that tradition in a number of ways." No, I think it's much more of, I imagine like this splitting off from that tradition. "Kingman, however, split from that tradition "in a number of ways," would also be an interesting way to say it, but they didn't have that choice over here. So let's keep reading. So "Most notably that he chose to focus "not on natural landscapes, such as mountains "and rivers, but on cities." So now we have just question five here, I guess, is probably referring to what we just read, so let's see what question five is. "For the sake of cohesion of this paragraph," so that's the paragraph we just read. This one right over here. "For the sake of cohesion of this paragraph, "sentence 3 should be placed." So sentence three is this one right over here. That's sentence three right over here. Sentence here, and that's actually the one that tripped me up a little bit because I said, "His interest was so keen, "in fact, he was named after it." And the sentence before they're talking about students assigned a formal school name, so was he named after his school in some way? So A is leaving it where it is now, B is before sentence one, so that means that this would be the first sentence of the paragraph. "His interest was so keen, in fact, that he was named after it. Kingman was keenly "interested in landscape painting from an early age." No that doesn't. This sentence is referring to something, so something else has to be written before. This would not be something that you would want to start the paragraph with. Let's see, after sentence one, so let's see how that would read. "Kingman was keenly interested in landscape painting "from and early age. "His interest was so keen, in fact, "that he was named after it. "In Hong Kong, where Kingman completed his schooling, "teachers at that time customarily assigned "students a formal 'school name.' "The young boy who had been called "Dong Moy Shu became Dong Kingman. "The name Kingman was selected for its two parts: "'king' and 'man,' Cantonese for scenery and composition." Yeah, I actually like this after sentence one because now it actually, that thing that tripped me up when I said, "Hey if he was named after it, he was named after what?" But now it's clear he was named after landscape painting. "Kingman was keenly interested "in landscape painting from an early age. "His interest was so keen, in fact, "that he was named after it." He was named after landscape painting, so it makes sense that sentence three comes right after sentence one. It's referring to what happened in sentence one. And we get, it clarifies later on that he was named literally after landscape painting. "'King' and 'man', Cantonese for scenery "and composition," landscape painting. Now let's keep going, so this says question six of five, so I think this is another bug out of the early prototype interface that I'm using, but the important thing is we do the questions. So it says, "Which choice most," and so question six is referring I guess to this entire paragraph. "Which choice most effectively establishes "the main topic of the paragraph?" So let's read this paragraph. "His fine brushwork conveys detailed street-level "activity: a peanut vendor pushing his cart "on the sidewalk, a pigeon pecking for crumbs "around a fire hydrant, an old man "tending to a baby outside a doorway. "His broader brushstrokes and sponge-painted shapes "created majestic city skylines, with skyscrapers "towering in the background, bridges connecting "neighborhoods on either side of a river, "and enormous ships maneuvering out of a busy harbor. "To art critics and fans alike, these city scenes "represented the innovative spirit "of twentieth-century urban Modernism." Alright, it's talking about all the different ways that he's able to paint and really convey what's happening in a city. So "which choice most effectively "establishes the main topic of the paragraph? "Kingman is considered a pioneer of the California School of Style?" Well no, they're not even talking about the California Style. I don't have to even finish reading that first one. "Although cities were his main subject, Kingman did "occasionally paint natural landscapes." No this is really just talking about all the different ways that he really captured a city. They didn't say that he, you know, also occasionally did natural. This is really about how he captured cities. "In his urban landscapes, Kingman captures "the vibrancy of crowded cities." Yeah, I think that's pretty much it. That's what this paragraph is about. "In 1929 Kingman moved to Oakland, California, where he "attended the Fox Art School." No that is not what this paragraph right here is about. And so let's go to question seven out of five. So once again, I think this should say seven out of seven, but I think we get the point. Let's answer this question. "During his career, Kingman exhibited "his work internationally. He garnered "much acclaim. In 1936, a critic described." So that just felt a little bit robotic when I read that. "Kingman exhibited his work internationally. Period. "He garnered much acclaim. "In 1936, a critic described one of Kingman's solo exhibits "as 'twenty of the freshest, most satis--." And I'm just reading this just to finish the passage. If you're running out of time on the SAT, I would probably just try to answer this question and move on. But "'twenty of the freshest, most satisfying watercolors "'that have ever been seen hereabouts in many a day.' "Since Kingman's death in 2000, museums across "the United States and in China have continued "to ensure that his now-iconic landscapes "remain available for the public to enjoy." Well let's go back to question seven. So, let's see the choices. So one is "internationally, and Kingman also garnered." So "Kingman exhibited his work internationally, and Kingman "also garnered much acclaim." Now that just seems a little wordy. You're seeing Kingman twice very close together. You don't need to, so I wouldn't do that one. "Kingman exhibited his work internationally; "from exhibiting, he garnered much acclaim." So once again, this is kind of you're using exhibited up here, and you're using it again. It feels redundant. "Kingman exhibited his work internationally, "but garnered much acclaim." Well but makes it seem like garnering acclaim is somehow something that you wouldn't expect for someone who's exhibiting internationally, but they kind of go together. You would, garnering acclaim should go along with inter-- There shouldn't be a but there. It shouldn't be kind of contradicting it in some way or going in another direction. So this would be "Kingman exhibited "his work internationally, garnering much acclaim." Yeah, just nice and simple. Exhibiting his work internationally, and in doing so, he's garnering much acclaim. Makes all the, feels nice and clean and gets to the point without being redundant or in some ways contradicting in a weird way. Yeah, feel good about these answers.